Why is it?

No matter what I do, I just can't get over you?

Seriously, I have done everything I can seriously do. I have tried not to talk to you, deleted you out of my life, dated other people & yet.. somehow you always find a way back into my life & I fall for your games every time. I hate it. I'm sick of these games, It's obvious you like me & I like you.. why can't we work things out? I understand the distance, but fuck.

You don't even understand how many things I have done and STILL am doing for you. I'm fucking saving over 300$ just to go to see you. To spend probably only a few DAYS with you.. and yet, that's still not enough? Wtf do I have to do to show you how much you mean to me?

I want to tell you how I feel, well.. I have, but when I'm beyond drunk. You know I still love you, I have told you almost every time I drink. I wanna tell you sober, but I can't because I am afraid of what you'll say or even what you wont say. It's stupid and I really should just move on, but I can't. There's just something about you that makes me hold on to any little hope that I have.

Whenever I hear your voice, or hear you say "kriiiisteennn" I get this feeling in my stomach I never get from anyone else. I get butterflies, every fucking time I talk to you, every time your ringtone goes off, every time I see your name on Facebook, and every time you text me. my heart races, and I get this stupid huge smile, like a little kid getting candy for the first time. But yet, you don't see all of this because I try SO hard to try to hide how you REALLY make me feel because I know I never have another chance with you. I've been trying for the past two days not to care about anything, you know how hard that is?

It's sad when you told me you had "a girl" my heart for real dropped. I knew it was gonna eventually happen, but it's like.. You didn't even tell me anything about her, I mean, I honestly don't want to know, but if you're gonna kind of flirt with me, at least let me know you're trying to hook up with this other girl. But when you started describing her to me & then told me about how you wanna ask her out, I could have been fine without knowing about any of that.

I can PROMISE you that nobody will ever love you as much as I do, or be willing to put up with as much shit as I have from you. You'll see that for yourself eventually..

..hopefully

& Here I am

I was thinking about making a blog for a while, just to get everything off my mind so I finally decided to do it. I doubt I'll update everyday or anything, but some's better than none. Anyways here I goooo -

So I've been dealing with a lot of drama lately with guys, unfortunetly. :( my ex-boyfriend the guy who I'm in love with is a complete junkie now, he's so addicted to heroin it's sad. I love him though, more than anything. I do wanna be with him again, but not until I know he's 100% off heroin & away from that bitch who helps him get it. I already know that once you're addicted, you're pretty much addicted for life, but I still have hope for him. Then there's this other guy I like, who lives near me. We kind of had a thing, I don't wan to get into detail, but he has a girlfriend.. I'm trying not to fall for him, but it's hard when he's such a smooth talker. :/ He's moving out too on the 7th of December with his girlfriend about half hour/hour away. So I'll pretty much never see him.. Who knows, maybe that will be a good thing? Then as of last night, this one guy started talking to me again and i hadn't talked to him since this one party incident so it's kind of awkward. Idk He's not really worth talking about on here because if i do into anymore detail it could get to the wrong person. So hes a no go.

I've been trying to find a job now, for what seems like forever & I'm just failing at it. It sucks. my dad all of a sudden yesterday just told me I have 2 weeks to find a job, otherwise everything becomes his. It's like impossable to get a job right now & in two weeks, even worse. :/ Looks like I'm gonna end up being a bum. :(

Life sucks sometimes.